©2014 The Gnat

Foot Flushing Fiascos

By Motherofthesky

(JACKSON, MS)--Do you flush the public toilet with your foot in lieu of your hand? Do you have a habit of doing this? Then you are a foot-flusher, my friend. Yes, you will avoid getting germs and nastiness on your hands if you are a foot-flusher. But are you aware of the many hazards of flushing the toilet with your foot?

Take for instance, Mrs. Richard Theorc of Florence, MS. One day at work she was finishing up her business in the restroom at her office. While foot-flushing, her shoe dropped off her foot, falling into the swirling waters of the toilet. This caused a very nasty situation. She had to fish her shoe out of the nasty pee-pee filled toilet water before it went down the bowl, potentially causing an embarrassing clog (the shoe happened to be a Skechers clog, by the way). Antibacterial soap helped in Mrs. Theorc’s situation but foot-flushing can be harmful or even fatal in some cases.

For example, let's take a look at Ms. Leroy, an employee at Network Streaming in Madison, MS. She is a habitual foot flusher. While attempting a foot flush recently, she raised her leg to flush with her foot, and the heel of her shoe caught on the hem of her pants, causing her to lose balance and fall backward; this resulted in a foot-flushing fiasco.

The action of the heel catching on the hem brought Ms. Leroy down in the compact bathroom stall. She hit her head twice on the way down; once on the stall door, and then once on the hard tile floor. She was rendered unconscious and had to be taken to the local emergency room for stitches to her head and for a CAT scan. Fortunately for Ms. Leroy, all she needed was the stitches to seal the resulting cut on her head, and the CAT scan revealed a total absence of felines in her brain. Ms. Leroy was very lucky.

Unfortunately, there have been some foot-flushing fatalities. Sadly, these rarely make the news as they are so terribly tragic that the media feels the public will find the stories too disturbing to hear. But we at The Gnat want our readers to know the chilling truth about the dangers of this seemingly mundane activity of foot-flushing.

Case in point: Mr. Luke Nohands of Terry, Mississippi. Mr. Nohands had eaten a huge, Newk’s Favorite salad at lunchtime. At around 3 o’clock p.m., he headed to the restroom to relieve himself of a bad case of salad-shooting syndrome (better known in the medical field as SSS). When he was done with his business, he felt better; however he was quite weak after such a relief from the SSS. Striking the flamingo position, and leaning forward with his left foot aloft in order to perform the foot-flush, Mr. Nohands lost his balance and fell face first into the toilet, striking his head on the porcelain tank on the way down. The resulting blow left him unconscious, face down in the toilet bowl. He was found by a horrified co-worker, who was too grossed out by it all to try to help or resuscitate him. Thus, Mr. Nohands drowned in the potty before the ambulance arrived.

These are just a few cases of the hazards of foot flushing. Out of concern for our readers, The Gnat has brought you these stories as a public service. Please, if you must foot-flush, do so with caution. As an alternative, we highly recommend using your hand covered with toilet paper.

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