©2014 The Gnat

A Poor Impostor

By Skippy Greenway

(JACKSON, MS)--Most people probably know at least one or two people, maybe more, who in their unrealistic quest for a PhotoShop perfect body, are trying some alternative type of diet, healthy lifestyle, weight loss drug, exercise program or device. They are likely spending exorbitant amounts of money on whatever it may be. Alternatively, folks may be trying to substitute healthy foods for foods that they really want to eat that are not so healthy for them.

Cauliflower is all the rage recently with the healthy-eating set. It has become a popular impostor for foods that people actually like to eat. There are a variety of popular dishes people are preparing using cauliflower in place of some main element of the dish. They put on rose-colored glasses and gush about how delicious it is, and how you can't tell a bit of difference in the taste with the cauliflower substitution. The most popular of these dishes seems to be mashed potatoes, whereby the potatoes are substituted with cauliflower, and prepared as if it were potatoes. Whisky, Tango, Foxtrot? Who is falling for this? Cauliflower mash could not possibly taste like good old mashed potatoes. Supposing you actually like cauliflower you may find this mixture tasty, but in the real world, will anyone really believe that it is mashed potatoes?

Cauliflower hot wings are another hot topic lately. In this preparation, cauliflower replaces the chicken wings. Pieces of the cauliflower are broken up, then battered, fried, and coated with hot wing sauce. The pseudo hot wings are served with celery, carrots, and bleu cheese or ranch dressing, like real hot wings are presented. Fried cauliflower may actually taste pretty good, because you could fry poop and someone would probably like it. Battered and fried anything is likely to be a sensation.

We are just saying, that cauliflower is a lame imposter for established food staples that we have enjoyed for years, which now are demonized by the food police. We are terrified by all sorts of experts, frauds, and celebrity doctors that say every thing we ever liked to eat is bad for us, is going to kill us, make us fat as a hog, or rot our teeth out.

These experts better recognize that the population of Earth is in dire circumstances that have nothing to do with food. The real problem is that we all need to evacuate this planet immediately. The fact is that we are all addicted to oxygen, and it eventually causes us to die. Everyone is breathing it from babes to bunny rabbits. If we were not breathing oxygen, it would not be killing us, and we would be immortal. The tragic thing is, this fact is being ignored, and our President has crippled our space program, thus dooming us all to die.

Anyway, the most lame of imposter dishes seen so far is the cauliflower pizza crust. We will not even delve into that one in detail. Stomachs are likely torn up right now as adjacent eyes read the words, "cauliflower pizza crust." As this writer taps the very keys inserting the words into this text, a sudden urge to run to the bathroom with great haste, has overtaken me.

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